A follow-up trip to the doctor

Well, the miscarriage is finally done. It seemed to have stopped yesterday and today I'm feeling much better. The physical pain I have been through the past few days has just been outrageous. And then there is the emotional pain my husband and I have both gone through...awful.

I'm doing much better though. I'm thankful I was able to miscarry on my own without having to have surgery to remove anything. The sadness and grief comes and goes but mostly I'm looking toward the future and thinking about the baby that will one day be in our arms.

We went to the doctor today (exactly one week since my ultrasound) and talked to the doctor for a little while. I was feeling so anxious before the appointment and felt like I would be sick. I think I was mainly dreading going to the place that gave me such awful news last week but it ended up being just fine. I'm down a couple of pounds so that was exciting, hoping to keep on that track! We asked (because I know I'm anxious) when we could start trying again and he told us immediately. He said something pretty funny but you would have to know my RE to see the hilarity in it honestly. To some it might just seem weird. But anyway, we are really happy that he gave us the go ahead to start trying again. I was nervous about that but he said go for it. So YAY!

They took 4 vials of blood today to run some different tests even though I've only had one miscarriage now (normally the tests aren't run until 3 or 4 mc). He doesn't want anything to be wrong and want me to have to go through it again if he can help it so he's going on and doing the tests now. He took enough blood to do an antibodies test and also I will have an HSG done after my next cycle. I'm not too excited about them shooting dye up my uterus but hey, if it is a test to help not miscarry again, I'll do it over and over! And then, here comes the clomid again. I'm feeling extremely optimistic.

Whew, I think that is all for now. I should know my lab results in the next day or two so I'm ready to know what those show. I'm praying my pregnancy hormone levels are negative so I don't have to have more blood taken next week. But if I do, so be it. I'm becoming a pro!

I'll update again when I know something new. Thanks for all the prayers, they help so much. I have an incredible family and the best of friends...so thank you.

Hardest post to write...

This is a tough one to write. I do believe I will just start where I left off in the last post...

So I was irritated that my doctor had given me a shot of progesterone to get my cycle going even though I told him I had a positive ovulation test on Halloween. Well, normally your cycle should start 1-2 weeks after that shot and mine never did. Two and a half weeks after the shot, on Saturday November 19th, we were at my parents in Tennessee with the whole family and I decided to take a pregnancy test. It came back positive! I took 2 different other kinds while we were there that weekend and all were clearly positive. Oh my goodness, we are actually pregnant after two and a half years of trying!

I called and scheduled a doctor appointment as soon as the doctor opened the following Monday. My RE's office took blood work to confirm the pregnancy and to also check my HcG levels and progesterone levels. My HcG level came back at 718 which my doctor said was fantastic but my progesterone was only 8.64. So they immediately put me on a progesterone supplement. Said they would see me back in a week.

That week I went in and they didn't say anything about my progesterone but my HcG levels had only gone up to 2,134 in a week. That's not great but we weren't giving up hope. They told me to come back in two days to have it retested. It was only up to a little over 3,100. So they still weren't doubling like they should. That made them a little nervous and they scared me by saying that I needed to come in for an ultrasound the following week to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside of the uterus). I started freaking out and my husband and I just looked up everything we could and just convinced ourselves that's not what it was. But having to wait a week to see our little bean was just awful.

Well this Wednesday, 12/7, we went in for an ultrasound. I was anxious/excited/scared all at the same time. They fired up the machine...and found nothing. There was nothing there. They looked in my ovaries and tubes and couldn't find it there either. At this point, I was shaking and trying to hold it together. I couldn't even look over at my husband. I just kept staring at the screen praying for something to show. The nurse called my doctor in and he looked around as well and then said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy will not end with a baby". I was devastated. After they left the room I still couldn't even look at my husband even though I knew he was hurting just as much as I was. I couldn't believe it was happening to us.

The doctor took us to another room to talk to us and tell us why he thought I would miscarry the baby. Said it was more than likely abnormal chromosomes and that nature was just taking care of it. Well that's great and all but that did not make the pain any better. He talked to me about having surgery to "remove" it and I just couldn't do that. I told him I would let my body do what it's going to do and he said he thought that was best, he said that is the best case with this type of scenario. I hadn't been bleeding or hurting at all so I just didn't understand how I would miscarry this baby. They took my blood again to check the HcG levels and the nurse called me later that afternoon to tell me they had already dropped to 600. There was no hope. After a lot of tears and anger and grief, I started "passing" the baby late yesterday afternoon. I guess I'm thankful that my body is taking care of it naturally but damn, this is the hardest thing we have ever been through.

A lot of people (actually everyone excluding our kids, parents, sisters, bosses and a couple close friends) had no idea we were even expecting. We were going to announce it after Christmas and after we saw the ultrasound and all looked okay. But instead, I'm announcing that I'm miscarrying this miracle we had been waiting on for so long. I know it will happen again, I have faith. But the raw pain this is causing is just awful. But I am hoping in time, the pain will weaken and things will start to look a little brighter.

So if I'm not my spunky self for a little while, I do apologize but this is taking some time to deal with. I think in a way my husband and I are still in shock a little. We've talked about it a lot and there are things that do make us feel better about it all but mostly, we are just sad and heartbroken. So please keep us in your prayers. We could definitely use them.

a little bit of frustration and a whole lot of disappointment

Today was my RE appointment. I was feeling really anxious for this appointment today because I felt like things were starting to go right. Well, not so much evidently. I got a positive result on an ovulation test on Monday morning so I was just SO excited. Well, my RE looked at the calendar day and said "even if you did ovulate, that's not a good sign". It was too late in the cycle for it to be a good sign I guess. Wow, I completely deflated after he told me that. And then he told me he was going to give me a shot of progesterone to get things rolling and raised my dose of Clomid again. I feel like I'm back to square one. And I was so sure I was making progress. I was looking at my husband in the room and trying my best to hold the tears back and hold it together. But when I got to my car, the waterworks began and lasted until I pretty much walked back into work. Just feeling so very sad right now.

Having a difficult day

So this blog is supposed to be about my journey with infertility...well guess what? Infertility sucks! It truly sucks. I've been making such an effort to not let it get to me the past couple of weeks. Ethan turned 6 yesterday though, wow. My baby is 6. I always thought at this point in life, he would be playing with a little brother or little sister by now. And he's not. It's just been a really hard thing to come to terms with. So I just needed to vent a little bit. Here's hoping there is some sort of good news to share soon. Counting down the days to my RE appointment in November...

A step in the right direction!

Well, we are starting to see some results! This mama was so happy to see that her period had started on it's own this morning. First one to start on it's own since before I was pregnant with Ethan! I had an appointment scheduled for next Wednesday, the 12th, but the nurse pushed that appointment back some since I'm starting on the Clomid again tomorrow. So my body is starting to sort itself out somewhat. This has been an incredible day! I'm even loving the cramps! Crazy, right?!?! Here is hoping to a +OPK this cycle and a possible baby. Send prayers, please!

An amazing read...

I always have a hard time explaining to my husband how I feel about the whole infertility thing. And I know he doesn't understand because he's a man and I don't fault him for that in anyway. My sister just sent me a blog post that she had found and read...I'm still crying. But I wanted to share with anyone else who is having the same issues as I am. It expresses my feelings so very well. I, however, haven't gotten to the point of realizing that there are so many of us out there. I'm still stuck on the thinking it's my fault and being mad at myself. Maybe this will help me though. I think I will hold this dear to my heart and read back over it when I'm having an extremely rough day. Thank you, Becca, for sending this to me.

http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2011/10/motherhood-mondays-what-if-you-cant.html#more

Negative Pregnancy tests...

...are my own worst enemy. Seriously. I have had my fair share of them in the past two and a half years and spent quite a bit of money on them. And it never gets any easier. Here's hoping that the next one I choose to take doesn't disappoint me.

Too much reading...

I get carried away looking at forums sometimes. I just get so into what other people are saying and feel like I have no hope of ever having a baby. My RE tells me it's good that I read a lot online but not to trust anything until I talk to him but wow, it's so hard! I know this is a very short post but hey, that's what this blog is for =) So I don't drive my husband crazy! Still praying for some baby dust...

Where it all sort of started...

Back in the beginning of this year (2011), I was really starting to get aggravated that the whole pregnancy thing wasn't working out for us. My OB/GYN had diagnosed me as hypothyroid back in March of 2010 and put me on medication for it. My thyroid levels were fine after I started medication. But I wasn't happy with her because I didn't feel like she was really listening to me or trying to help me. She just kept ordering blood work to be done but would never help me with the next step in trying to make a baby a reality for us. It was like she wasn't even really listening as to why I was there with concern.

I decided to change doctors. I really wanted something set in motion. So I started seeing my new doctor and I thought she was fantastic, she still is! She prescribed me Metformin when I met with her the first time because she told me with everything she could tell from blood work and everything else, that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). So I started taking 500mg of Metformin a day. She told me if I didn't feel like waiting anymore, that she would suggest I go on and find an RE to go to since it had been a while for us trying for a baby.

So at the end of May, I made the call to Alabama Fertility Specialists and made an appointment with an RE that a few of my friends have had great success with! On June 13th, I had my first appointment. Dr. Steinkampf took all sorts of blood from me and took my 500mg of Metformin up to 2000mg of Metformin a day. He also prescribed me 50mg of Clomid days 2-6 of my cycle. Well the Metformin made me so sick every time I would eat and the Clomid didn't do anything.

On August 2nd, Justin went with me to my appointment. As predicted, the Clomid hadn't done anything to help. He took me off the Metformin completely because my liver enzymes were slightly elevated and it wasn't helping with anything he said. So they gave me a progesterone shot to get my cycle going, prescribed me 100mg of Clomid and sent me on my way. Said they would see me back in 5 weeks.

So our most recent appointment was on September 12th, I was feeling much more optimistic and definitely not as sick since I didn't have Metformin in my system anymore. I still didn't think the Clomid had done anything and as soon as he saw my BBT chart (I have been charting my basal body temp every morning at 6:15), he immediately knew I hadn't ovulated so still no baby =(

He told me he wasn't going to let me have a cycle this time and went on and prescribed me 150mg of Clomid (3 pills a day, yuck) and he would see me back in 4 weeks. So I've taken the last of those pills and am now just waiting. I'm not really sure what comes next but it looks like we are going to have lots of options coming up. He did ask us how we felt about multiples...scared my poor husband to death I'm sure. I wouldn't mind twins but I don't think we could handle any more than that. So we have a lot coming up in the near future. We go back to the doctor the 2nd week of October. At that point, I will update you on everything.

And to our future baby, I know this battle with infertility will be more than worth it. You are worth all of this and more.

And so it is...

I'm starting this blog in hopes of one day, our baby will be able to look back on it (my husband's idea) and see how much we wanted him/her and how much we had to fight to get them.


Almost 6 years ago, I gave birth to a precious baby boy, Ethan. And almost 2 and a half years ago, I became a stepmother to a beautiful young lady, Lexie. Our children, now ages 8 and 5, fill us with such happiness but we feel like there is something (or someone) TINY missing and that's what this blog is about.


Justin and I have been together for almost 4 and a half years. We knew shortly after we met and became serious about spending the rest of our lives together, that we wanted to have a baby. So after getting married in April of 2009 and moving into our house in June of 2009, we immediately started trying. Well, it's now September of 2011 and there is still no baby crying in the middle of the night or dirty diapers to change. I never thought it would take this long...never.


After spending a lot of hours at doctor's offices, I've been diagnosed with a couple of different "conditions". I'm hypothyroid, I have PCOS and I'm insulin resistant. Those three things combined seem to cause a lot of problems, especially infertility. 


I've been on several medications throughout the process so far but still feel like I'm at the beginnings of all of this because in 4 weeks, when we go back to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), it seems like we have a lot of decisions to make. I'm not sure of all of those decisions yet because we haven't gotten there.


I'm starting my third cycle with Clomid (used to stimulate ovulation when the ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is deficient) tomorrow. I'm up to 3 pills a day which is the highest my RE will go. So I'm praying it does something this time around.


It gets so discouraging. Where it goes from here, I have no idea. Am I scared at all? Yes. Am I nervous that I will never have another baby? Absolutely. But I do know that my husband and I will work together until we get the outcome we want.


Here's hoping it's sooner, rather than later!