Hardest post to write...

This is a tough one to write. I do believe I will just start where I left off in the last post...

So I was irritated that my doctor had given me a shot of progesterone to get my cycle going even though I told him I had a positive ovulation test on Halloween. Well, normally your cycle should start 1-2 weeks after that shot and mine never did. Two and a half weeks after the shot, on Saturday November 19th, we were at my parents in Tennessee with the whole family and I decided to take a pregnancy test. It came back positive! I took 2 different other kinds while we were there that weekend and all were clearly positive. Oh my goodness, we are actually pregnant after two and a half years of trying!

I called and scheduled a doctor appointment as soon as the doctor opened the following Monday. My RE's office took blood work to confirm the pregnancy and to also check my HcG levels and progesterone levels. My HcG level came back at 718 which my doctor said was fantastic but my progesterone was only 8.64. So they immediately put me on a progesterone supplement. Said they would see me back in a week.

That week I went in and they didn't say anything about my progesterone but my HcG levels had only gone up to 2,134 in a week. That's not great but we weren't giving up hope. They told me to come back in two days to have it retested. It was only up to a little over 3,100. So they still weren't doubling like they should. That made them a little nervous and they scared me by saying that I needed to come in for an ultrasound the following week to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside of the uterus). I started freaking out and my husband and I just looked up everything we could and just convinced ourselves that's not what it was. But having to wait a week to see our little bean was just awful.

Well this Wednesday, 12/7, we went in for an ultrasound. I was anxious/excited/scared all at the same time. They fired up the machine...and found nothing. There was nothing there. They looked in my ovaries and tubes and couldn't find it there either. At this point, I was shaking and trying to hold it together. I couldn't even look over at my husband. I just kept staring at the screen praying for something to show. The nurse called my doctor in and he looked around as well and then said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy will not end with a baby". I was devastated. After they left the room I still couldn't even look at my husband even though I knew he was hurting just as much as I was. I couldn't believe it was happening to us.

The doctor took us to another room to talk to us and tell us why he thought I would miscarry the baby. Said it was more than likely abnormal chromosomes and that nature was just taking care of it. Well that's great and all but that did not make the pain any better. He talked to me about having surgery to "remove" it and I just couldn't do that. I told him I would let my body do what it's going to do and he said he thought that was best, he said that is the best case with this type of scenario. I hadn't been bleeding or hurting at all so I just didn't understand how I would miscarry this baby. They took my blood again to check the HcG levels and the nurse called me later that afternoon to tell me they had already dropped to 600. There was no hope. After a lot of tears and anger and grief, I started "passing" the baby late yesterday afternoon. I guess I'm thankful that my body is taking care of it naturally but damn, this is the hardest thing we have ever been through.

A lot of people (actually everyone excluding our kids, parents, sisters, bosses and a couple close friends) had no idea we were even expecting. We were going to announce it after Christmas and after we saw the ultrasound and all looked okay. But instead, I'm announcing that I'm miscarrying this miracle we had been waiting on for so long. I know it will happen again, I have faith. But the raw pain this is causing is just awful. But I am hoping in time, the pain will weaken and things will start to look a little brighter.

So if I'm not my spunky self for a little while, I do apologize but this is taking some time to deal with. I think in a way my husband and I are still in shock a little. We've talked about it a lot and there are things that do make us feel better about it all but mostly, we are just sad and heartbroken. So please keep us in your prayers. We could definitely use them.