So very excited!

Gage, it's exactly three weeks until daddy and I have you in our arms. I so can't wait to hug you and kiss your little nose.

I have a doctor appointment today and part of me feels like they might say you will be coming before then, but then the other part has a feeling that you will stay put until the 8th of January. Build up those lungs a little bit more, please!

But I can't wait to meet you, to hold you, to just see what you look like. I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything else but I think that's okay. A big day is coming up for all of us and so it's in the front of my mind constantly. There are so many people ready to meet you!

Anyway, just wanted to write you a little note. I love you so, little one. I'm going to enjoy all your nudges and kicks but I can't wait to meet you in 3 weeks!

Remembering...

Today marks the one year mark of when Justin and I were told that our pregnancy would not end in a baby. I was reading back over my blog I wrote after the miscarriage and cried with how I remember feeling that week and the weeks after. Wow, that was a rough time. I can almost remember every thought and feeling that passed through me that day.

But as I sit here thinking about the baby we lost, I'm so thankful for the healthy little guy I'm carrying today. While I still hurt and mourn the loss of the little baby we lost, I can look to the future with a greater happiness than I thought possible at the time of the miscarriage. Gage must know I'm hurting a little about it because he's letting me know for sure he's there! His kicks (and boy have they been fun and powerful the past couple of days!) reassure me more and more of how wonderful this life will be. Knowing in 4 and a half weeks (one month from tomorrow to be exact!) that I will have him in my arms makes me so incredibly happy.

I didn't want this blog to be sad, but just wanted to take another time-out to remember the little life we lost back in December of 2011. Still think of that sweet baby daily.

Dearest Gage...

Dearest Gage,

I'm sitting at work and trying to concentrate on what I'm doing but I can't help but notice my stomach jumping repeatedly. Yes, that would be you =) I love watching my belly move with all your movements. You could be punching me or kicking me but either one, I will never forget these feelings.

Daddy and I can't wait to meet you. It's exactly two months from today that we will get to see you face to face finally. January 8th will be your birthday if all goes according to plan. I have to say, I'm so excited and anxious for that day to be here but at the same time, I'm trying to soak in all that this pregnancy has brought to me. I'm going to miss the movements and hiccups and just knowing you are tucked safely inside. Overall, you have been wonderful and have made the pregnancy a piece of cake! My doctor even commented last time we were at the doctor that I make this look easy. Well buddy, you have made it easy. I might fuss over the awful heartburn I have and for some reason can't get rid of no matter what I take or do but it's so worth it. I don't sleep as well any more because I shift from side to side at least every hour. I'm not sure how your daddy stays in the same bed as I do but he does. That's dedication and love right there. I do complain some when I've had a stressful day and my back is really hurting but then I stop and think, I prayed and wished for you for over 3 years and I am so thankful for every ache and pain that I feel all because of you. You are more than worth it and I can't wait until you are here so I can just hold you and you can feel how much I love you. Because Gage, I love you so much already, I might burst when they hand you to me in the hospital!

I have a picture of the 4D ultrasound we have of you hanging at my desk, I look over at you about 50 times a day. And it makes me smile every time. Your sister and brother are pretty excited about meeting you as well. You are going to have a pretty great big sister and big brother. I can't wait until you are here and our family is complete. Counting down the days baby boy...

Little boy blue

I really do need to start writing a bit more on this blog. Hopefully I will be able to find more time to do that in the coming weeks.

Justin and I found out the sex of the baby on August 31st. We were thrilled to see that we are having a healthy, bouncing boy! Everything looked great with him and it was just so exciting to see how much he has grown in the 9 weeks since we had seen him last.

Going into the ultrasound, I wasn't sure what to expect. Part of me really thought it was a girl since my husband already had a girl but then there was a part of me that thought that it might be another boy for me. My sister and I can't seem to have anything BUT boys! Was there a moment of disappointment once I saw baby boy's "goods"? There was a split second until I looked over and saw my husband's face. The sheer joy etched into every feature on his face, that he was going to have his very own son, cleared out any disappointment in my mind that day. I have to admit, I still find myself looking at all the adorable little girl things that I'll never get to buy since this will be our only baby together. It causes a little pang in my heart from time to time but I'm very happy that our baby boy is healthy.

So now we settle into deciding on colors for the nursery and getting excited about all things boy! We went on a mini shopping-spree with our best of friends after we found out and got little guy some clothes. It was fun to finally be able to buy something for him. Oh and I guess I can quit calling him "him". Gage David will be his name. We both fell in love with the name Gage and David was Justin's dad's name, who passed away almost 16 years ago. So the middle name we hold very dear. So there you have it...we can't wait for Gage's arrival. Ethan asks almost on a daily basis if Gage is ready to come out. Not quite, sweetheart...not quite. Which is a good thing. But we all anxiously await his arrival in early January!

Saying goodbye

I knew today would be a hard day for me. It's honestly a little strange to think that today, I would have been having a baby. Today was the due date for the baby we lost back in December. I think it's probably not as hard since I'm now 4 months pregnant but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that baby. I know it's the tiniest of little angels up in Heaven and  that makes me feel a little more at peace. This blog isn't long, but it's just a goodbye I needed to say today.

Sorry, it's been a while!

It's been a little over 2 months since I've posted anything on here. In late March, things just weren't really looking great on the fertility front but my husband and I decided to just put all our energy on getting pregnant. Because I knew if we conceived this cycle for me, we would conceive on or around our 3rd wedding anniversary. And if you know us, 13 is our lucky number! We met on a Friday the 13th and then got married on the 13th exactly 2 years after we started dating. We both have 13 tattooed on us, his on his ring finger and mine is on my foot. So it's super special to us. So I thought, how cool would it be for us to conceive around our anniversary and be due at the beginning of 2013!?

Around the first of May, I kept telling Justin that I knew, I just KNEW, that we were pregnant. He had heard that many cycles before this so he really didn't know how serious I was. I could feel something was different this time and was so excited but knew I needed to hold off to take a pregnancy test a little later since sometimes I don't always ovulate at a normal time. So I waited and waited and waited. Felt like I was going to go insane waiting!

I decided I would test the Saturday before Mother's Day, May 12th. I told Justin it was going to be either a really bad Mother's Day or a really good Mother's Day. And before I decided to test, I told him I was going to go hardcore at the gym and drop some weight if the test came back negative. So, I woke up at the crack of dawn that Saturday morning to test. I took the test, walked into our bedroom where my husband was still pretty much comatose and looked very sadly at him. "Honey, I guess I'll be hitting the gym pretty hardcore like I said...in 9 months!!!!" And then I threw the test at him...it might have hit him in the face but I was beyond excited!!!

I called my doctor that Monday morning and got in on Tuesday morning to get some blood work. My hcg levels were pretty high already and then I went back in on Thursday to have them checked again and they went up like they should. Last time, when I miscarried, my hormone level never went up like it should so I was ecstatic! They told me to come back on the 24th for my first ultrasound. My husband and I were so nervous and excited but we just had the whole ultrasound experience from the previous pregnancy on our minds so there was no way we could just enjoy being pregnant.

Wednesday, the 24th, rolled around and we had our first ultrasound that afternoon at 1. I almost threw up in the waiting room because my nerves were completely shot. We got in there and as soon as everything came up on the screen, I saw the little grain of rice! And then we saw the amazing heartbeat!  We were about 6 weeks, 3 days pregnant. I wanted to cry but I knew if I cried I would miss time starting at our miracle. They printed out several photos and we have cherished those. They asked me to come back in two weeks to have a second ultrasound and if everything was okay, they would release me back to my regular OB. Wow!

So fast forward with a bit of morning sickness and awful heartburn to yesterday, June 6th. We had our second ultrasound and even though I was 95% sure everything was going to be okay, I had those doubts in the back of my head thinking maybe baby didn't grow like it should. As soon as the screen came up, there was the sweet baby, it had tripled in size from 2 weeks ago and was measuring exactly right! We saw it squiggling around and saw the heartbeat again. The little nubs were forming for its arms and legs. It was the most amazing thing ever!

So I guess this post is to announce that Lexie and Ethan will have a baby brother or baby sister on or around January 14, 2013! We could not be more thrilled! I go to my regular OB on June 26th to get checked out by her and then here we go! After 3 years of trying!

These guys...are EXCITED!!!!

The two I have...

I don't really have any sort of news on the baby-making front. I feel like we are at a standstill and now my body just isn't wanting to cooperate this month. I'm trying not to stress over it and and just let it go. Easier said than done, for sure. But I just wanted to write today and talk about the children I do have. The ones I can hug and kiss anytime I want (well at least most of the time).

My step-daughter, Lexie, has been with us all week this week. It's amazing the feeling I get knowing our whole family is together for a whole week. Complete. That's the best word to describe it. And I love it. She's about to finish up 3rd grade this year and will enter into 4th in the Fall. I can't believe she is 9-years old (eek!). She gets smarter and smarter every day. Math gives her a hard time and sometimes spelling does as well but she's overcoming them both slowly and doing amazing in school now. I couldn't be more proud. I wish we had more time with this girl. She seems to flourish when she's at our house and I love that. She's growing so fast and her dad and I know we will have to start fighting boys off much too soon. She's already such a beautiful girl. I dread the day when a boy comes to pick her up. Not so much for Lexie, but for the boy that is coming to get her. =)

And Ethan, what do I say about him? He challenges me daily. In many ways. Some days I find myself yelling at him one minute because he's driving me up the wall but the next minute, he's turning around and hugging me. He's so cuddly and affectionate. I guess as cuddly and affectionate as a 6-year old little boy can be but goodness...he's my snuggle bug. And yes, Bug is what I call him. And he answers to it. I've been calling him that since before he was born I think. He's rounding out his year in kindergarten and I'm amazed at the things he has learned and accomplished this year. He's one smart cookie! Sometimes I think he might be a little too smart but I'll take it. I'm pretty hard on him because his behavior can be less than stellar on most occasions but I love him more than I ever thought was possible. Soccer has started back up for the Spring and he's loving it still. He's on an amazing team this season and he's learned so much already from his new coaches. Exciting games to come, I'm sure!

There really isn't too much else going on with me right now. I honestly wanted to just brag about my two kiddos =) Love them both oh so much!

Not what I wanted to see or hear

It's only been one cycle of normalcy since the miscarriage but for some reason, I really thought this was it! Well, my lovely Aunt Flo had a different opinion late yesterday afternoon. Damn her.

After detecting ovulation on cycle day 16, I really thought this was going to be it. My body is getting back on track and I ovulated on my own so I was feeling really good. I went in the day after ovulation to have blood taken to check my progesterone. I found out today that my progesterone was only a little over 7. When on Clomid, it really should be at least 15. Bummer. Not good at all. So I of course asked if that meant I was actually ovulating and my doctor told me my ovaries were TRYING to. Only trying?? Ugh, I really thought I had ovulated. But, apparently my thyroid levels have not been good lately and they are keeping track of that. It seems that a lot of this has to do with my thyroid levels being elevated. They are trying to get my tsh down to a 2.5. It was up above 6 in late November and down to 4.6 earlier this month. So right now we are playing around with doses of my thyroid medicine to hopefully get it where it needs to be. I'm just thankful that THIS doctor actually checks that for me and keeps a close watch on it. Also I'm thankful for a normal, 29-day cycle!

So I'm a little bummed and just feeling kind of down because this month didn't go exactly as I thought it would. I wanted a Halloween baby so they could have a close birthday with Ethan. Now we are praying for a Thanksgiving baby. I'm going to just try and not stress (yeah, right!) and just enjoy my family that I have. Looking forward to a much-needed trip to see my parents this weekend so I'm going to concentrate on that and just take it one day at a time. If I don't, I might drive myself crazy!

HSG

So, Tuesday I took the day off of work to go get an hysterosalpingogram done. A hysterosalpingogram? Yeah, I can't even pronounce that word and I like to think I'm smart so I just call it an HSG...as does everyone else! I was really kind of freaking out about it because I had read so many different people's experiences with it. 

My husband and I pulled into the hospital at 12:00 and I was called back and put in a room around 12:45. They told me my doctor was running late so I laid on the x-ray table for what seemed like forever! I have to say, I was really intimidated by the room. I've never been in a room like that.

I felt a little bit better seeing that Flounder and Sebastian were on the opposite wall so I just imagined them singing "Under the Sea" for quite some time. 

Around 1:50 my doctor finally arrived. He did the procedure and I watched as the dye went through my uterus and spilled out both of my tubes! I was so excited! Excited, yes. I was excited because that means there isn't any blockage of any sort and all is well. The whole procedure honestly took maybe 10 minutes? It wasn't long at all. And it was pretty painless, I like to think I just have that great of a doctor!

But boy the cramps that came afterwards. YIKES! But luckily, they didn't last too long and I'm feeling wonderful today. Doctor told my husband and I to start getting busy making a baby. He doesn't have to tell us twice!

Year of the Dragon...

I keep hearing people say that this is a lucky year to have a baby. I like to hope so!

It's been 7 weeks today since my miscarriage. I can't believe it's been that long but I think overall, we are all dealing with it the best we can. I get really sad from time to time and the smallest, most odd things set me off. But I'm coping. My husband is probably doing a much better job at coping than I am but like all men, he keeps a lot of his emotions to himself. He's honestly my rock through all of this. The one that remains optimistic and it rubs off on me sometimes. Probably not enough though!

My son, who is 6 now, asked me on Tuesday night how the baby was doing growing in my tummy. Bless his heart. He had forgotten that baby didn't make it but it made me so sad. He then asked, "are you still sad about it?" Well, yes sweetheart, I'm very sad. But knowing that little guy loves me helps a whole lot. Even when he's being a rowdy, troublesome boy.

My stepdaughter, who is 9 now, doesn't really talk about it at all. I have noticed when I mention the "b" word that she kind of glances at me to maybe make sure I'm okay. And I mention the "b" word quite frequently because I still want that baby.

This past Saturday morning (at 6:45), I was ecstatic! I woke up to a period...one that had started on it's own with no help from any medication. That's amazing progress for us! So this vicious cycle starts anew.

Tuesday I will be having a small procedure done at the hospital to make sure it wasn't something wrong with me that caused the miscarriage. Not really looking forward to that but I'm not going to stress about it until Tuesday morning. Because this weekend...this weekend I get to see my mom and dad. I miss them so much. And then I get to spend the entire weekend with them and my sweet children and husband, and my sister, brother-in-law and my two nephews. So when I look at things overall...life is good, truly good.

A new year!

Can I tell you how optimistic I'm feeling today? I can feel it, 2012 will be my year!

Emotionally, I have done a complete 180 over the past 3 weeks. I am still completely broken-hearted over the miscarriage but know God took that baby from me for a reason. Physically, I haven't been in pain in about 2 weeks. Things are really starting to be great again.

I think with the new year I am just so determined to not be down and out about it all. I'm feeling happier than I have in a very long time. Part of that might be the exercise that I have learned to LOVE! Crazy, huh?!? I can't seem to get enough of it. I think I would live at the gym if i could but my husband says I still have to work =) But that's okay, work is going great right now as well!

I really just wanted to blog and let any one that follows this blog know that I'm doing really well. I get upset and emotional at times when I think of baby but for the most part, I'm looking to the future and am so ecstatic about things to come.

Hope you all have a wonderful start to this new year!