Gatlinburg

Guys, I know by now everyone has seen the devastation that has hit Sevier County, TN this week. I think a huge part of me is still in shock what is happening/happened there. My family, and I mean my WHOLE family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, 3 nephews, baby niece, my husband and 3 kids) were in Gatlinburg Thanksgiving day through Sunday, the 27th. Saturday, the 26th, we rode up in the mountains and saw the small fire that had started at Chimney Tops. The trail up to the Tops had been closed. But it was so small, just one small fire at the peak. But the wind, the wind when we got out of the car up at Clingmans Dome was so strong. Took my sweet little nieces breath away, so we couldn't trek up the trail to the top (which was fine, it was SO cold and none of us were outfitted for it). Never in a million years would I have put two and two together. The wind being so strong and seeing that small fire. I guess in my mind, as we were coming back down the road in the Smoky Mountains National Park, and taking photos of the small fire on Chimney Tops, that the firefighters would be able to control it, no problem. I was sad that there was an area of the national park on fire, but knew it would be okay. 

Sunday, the smoke around downtown Gatlinburg had gotten a bit worse but nothing very scary. Things were normal. And I even commented on our way out "See you next time Gatlinburg". I never thought I would be "seeing" it all over the news and social media the next day.

I grew up going to Gatlinburg every single year (at least I think it was almost every year). Living in Franklin, TN, it was a short drive over to East Tennessee for a nice family trip to the Smoky Mountains. My parents honeymooned there over 42 years ago. I honeymooned with Justin there over 7 years ago. There have been so many fond, funny (when I thought the lady in the fur coat sitting on the bench in downtown Gatlinburg was a bear...if you haven't heard that story, my parents and sister would be MORE than happy to tell you!), and just amazing memories made there. 

I bought a sticker for my car while we were at Clingmans Dome. It has a black bear on it with "Great Smoky Mountains NP" written below it. I put that sticker on my car last night with such a heavy heart. So many lives changed. As of today, thirteen lives lost. And so many still missing. I thank God that we left when we did. Granted we all had school/work to deal with Monday morning but what if...just what if we had stayed longer? My mom contacted the owner of the cabin we stayed in just days before and luckily, she said it seemed the cabin was still standing, just trees down around it. But still...what if?! I have to stop asking myself that. It breaks my heart in so many pieces. I'm terrified of what Gatlinburg is going to look like when I go back next time. The pictures I see floating around on the internet are horrible. Its one of those situations where I can't remove myself though. 

I pray that all the people that have lost loved ones/family members heal in the best way they can. I also pray that the ones who lost pets can heal as well. And to all the wildlife that has been lost, I ache so much for them. I just pray that they knew what was coming and ran. Ran away from it. But I know they couldn't all get out of the path, it spread too fast. And then to all the ones that lost their homes and all their possessions, I pray that you are able to replace as much as you are able to. But I also know y'all are so very thankful that it wasn't anything more than "things". 

Dolly Parton has a heart of gold. I heard her say that her businesses were going to give each family that has suffered in some way $1,000 a month until they are back on their feet. And for that Dolly, you are the most amazing person in the world to me right now. I wish I could do more. Prayers will have to do though. Sometimes those are the strongest healing powers. Gatlinburg, I WILL see you soon though. I would never stay away too long. My almost 4-year old is asking every day when we can go back. And also asks if I have seen any more scary pictures of the fires. Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge/Smoky Mountain National Park...I pray so fiercely for you daily. See you soon...

Gage's Birth Day

Well, this might be almost 3 months late but this mommy has been busy snuggling her sweet baby boy.

Gage David Collins was born at 7:12 am on January 8, 2013. He weighed 8lbs 6.6oz and was 21 inches long.

The morning of, we woke up around 3:30-4 am because we had to be at the hospital at 5 to start the pre-op procedures for my c-section. We got there, I changed into the lovely hospital gown and then laid in the most comfortable of hospital beds (I don't know how many times my rear end fell asleep in that awful bed) and got hooked up to the fetal heartbeat monitor and contraction monitor. I wasn't having any contractions which was fine by me as I was having a c-section anyway. It was sort of nice not going into labor this time around.

While in that room, I had my IV hooked up as well. That was the part I was dreading the most and it turned out to not be that bad this time around. My nurse was amazing that morning! So IV in, resting a little bit and then about 6:45, Justin and I walked down to the OR. He had to stand outside the door while they did the spinal but then they let him in. When they first started the surgery, I got really light-headed but spoke up about it to the nurse and she saw that my blood pressure was dropping pretty drastically so they gave me some medicine and that went away pretty quickly. It scared me a little bit but I was trying to just not think about it.

Well at 7:12, they pulled Gage out, feet first. Yep, he was breech. We didn't know he would be breech but at the same time we hadn't had an ultrasound done to see what position he was in because I was scheduled for a repeat c-section.

Since he was breech, they think he must have swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid on his way out. Justin got to go over and look at him but didn't get to hold him. They told him that he was breathing really fast and his coloring didn't look quite right. He came and told me that, as well as the doctor, and it scared me. They were rushing trying to get him cleaned up and laid him on my chest so I could see him and give him a quick kiss for about 15 seconds and then he was gone. Ouch.

They finished up with me and wheeled me to my room. The NICU called and said that they were going to keep Gage for 4 hours to monitor him to make sure all was well. When I heard that, I was relieved. Well about an hour later, we got the news that he would have to stay in the NICU for quite a while longer.

His respiratory rate was double what it should have been. They like for babies respiratory rates to be below 60, Gage's was up in the 120's. He was pulling really hard and just not able to pull through on his own. So he was hooked up with some oxygen, had an IV in and also had a feeding tube.

He was admitted to the NICU minutes after being born that day and we weren't allowed to hold him or even touch him. I couldn't even go down to see him until all my feeling was back in my legs and that took to almost 4 o'clock that afternoon. It was killing me that I was laying in a bed and couldn't get down to see my son. 

A couple days went by and there wasn't any change for the better, it in fact got pretty rough on day 3. Dr. Bruce (the NICU doctor) told us that day 3 was usually the turning point. And he was right. After that day, little man slowly started to progress.

On Saturday, January 12th, the day I was being released from the hospital, we went down to the NICU before we went home to spend a few hours with Gage. The nurse, Stacey, that was watching over him was the sweetest one we had met yet. She told me I could touch him, I could actually touch my son (not hold him). I wanted to hug her! So I got to hold his little fingers and just be with him and bond with him.

We stayed longer than we had planned that day and were really enjoying the company of Stacey. Well she asked me if I wanted to hold him for a second, that it would be our secret. I could not have been happier! She took his oxygen hood off and moved all his wires around and lifted him and placed him in my arms finally. She had to hold a little oxygen mask up for him just in case but I didn't want to let go. Ever.

After that Saturday, we went back up on Sunday in the rain and Justin and I both got to have time with him (skin to skin) and those were some of the sweetest moments.

After those days, we got to interact with him more and more and hold him as much as we wanted for the most part. We drove back and forth in the rain that whole week until on the 17th of January, that following Thursday, they told us we could spend the night in the family room with him and bring him home!! So we went home to pack up our bags and get some last minute things done and headed back to the hospital in the snow! It was snowing like crazy and when it snows here in Alabama, people are idiots. It took us almost 3 hours to get back to him at the hospital. But we got there, and we spent the night, and then we carried our sweetheart home!

He will be 3 months old on April 8th and we are so in love with him. Every smile and giggle that he makes is the sweetest sound. His sister and brother absolutely adore him and love him so much. Our little family of 5 is so full of love and we feel complete.

Gage, you are my little miracle, my tiny fighter and the happiest of baby boys. Your daddy and I waited so long for you to be made and then once you were here, you had to fight to be healthy. It was a really long 10 days for mommy and daddy but we knew you would pull through. You have brought us closer together and I couldn't be any happier. You are my little love, my Smush. I love you so incredibly much!

So very excited!

Gage, it's exactly three weeks until daddy and I have you in our arms. I so can't wait to hug you and kiss your little nose.

I have a doctor appointment today and part of me feels like they might say you will be coming before then, but then the other part has a feeling that you will stay put until the 8th of January. Build up those lungs a little bit more, please!

But I can't wait to meet you, to hold you, to just see what you look like. I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything else but I think that's okay. A big day is coming up for all of us and so it's in the front of my mind constantly. There are so many people ready to meet you!

Anyway, just wanted to write you a little note. I love you so, little one. I'm going to enjoy all your nudges and kicks but I can't wait to meet you in 3 weeks!

Remembering...

Today marks the one year mark of when Justin and I were told that our pregnancy would not end in a baby. I was reading back over my blog I wrote after the miscarriage and cried with how I remember feeling that week and the weeks after. Wow, that was a rough time. I can almost remember every thought and feeling that passed through me that day.

But as I sit here thinking about the baby we lost, I'm so thankful for the healthy little guy I'm carrying today. While I still hurt and mourn the loss of the little baby we lost, I can look to the future with a greater happiness than I thought possible at the time of the miscarriage. Gage must know I'm hurting a little about it because he's letting me know for sure he's there! His kicks (and boy have they been fun and powerful the past couple of days!) reassure me more and more of how wonderful this life will be. Knowing in 4 and a half weeks (one month from tomorrow to be exact!) that I will have him in my arms makes me so incredibly happy.

I didn't want this blog to be sad, but just wanted to take another time-out to remember the little life we lost back in December of 2011. Still think of that sweet baby daily.

Dearest Gage...

Dearest Gage,

I'm sitting at work and trying to concentrate on what I'm doing but I can't help but notice my stomach jumping repeatedly. Yes, that would be you =) I love watching my belly move with all your movements. You could be punching me or kicking me but either one, I will never forget these feelings.

Daddy and I can't wait to meet you. It's exactly two months from today that we will get to see you face to face finally. January 8th will be your birthday if all goes according to plan. I have to say, I'm so excited and anxious for that day to be here but at the same time, I'm trying to soak in all that this pregnancy has brought to me. I'm going to miss the movements and hiccups and just knowing you are tucked safely inside. Overall, you have been wonderful and have made the pregnancy a piece of cake! My doctor even commented last time we were at the doctor that I make this look easy. Well buddy, you have made it easy. I might fuss over the awful heartburn I have and for some reason can't get rid of no matter what I take or do but it's so worth it. I don't sleep as well any more because I shift from side to side at least every hour. I'm not sure how your daddy stays in the same bed as I do but he does. That's dedication and love right there. I do complain some when I've had a stressful day and my back is really hurting but then I stop and think, I prayed and wished for you for over 3 years and I am so thankful for every ache and pain that I feel all because of you. You are more than worth it and I can't wait until you are here so I can just hold you and you can feel how much I love you. Because Gage, I love you so much already, I might burst when they hand you to me in the hospital!

I have a picture of the 4D ultrasound we have of you hanging at my desk, I look over at you about 50 times a day. And it makes me smile every time. Your sister and brother are pretty excited about meeting you as well. You are going to have a pretty great big sister and big brother. I can't wait until you are here and our family is complete. Counting down the days baby boy...

Little boy blue

I really do need to start writing a bit more on this blog. Hopefully I will be able to find more time to do that in the coming weeks.

Justin and I found out the sex of the baby on August 31st. We were thrilled to see that we are having a healthy, bouncing boy! Everything looked great with him and it was just so exciting to see how much he has grown in the 9 weeks since we had seen him last.

Going into the ultrasound, I wasn't sure what to expect. Part of me really thought it was a girl since my husband already had a girl but then there was a part of me that thought that it might be another boy for me. My sister and I can't seem to have anything BUT boys! Was there a moment of disappointment once I saw baby boy's "goods"? There was a split second until I looked over and saw my husband's face. The sheer joy etched into every feature on his face, that he was going to have his very own son, cleared out any disappointment in my mind that day. I have to admit, I still find myself looking at all the adorable little girl things that I'll never get to buy since this will be our only baby together. It causes a little pang in my heart from time to time but I'm very happy that our baby boy is healthy.

So now we settle into deciding on colors for the nursery and getting excited about all things boy! We went on a mini shopping-spree with our best of friends after we found out and got little guy some clothes. It was fun to finally be able to buy something for him. Oh and I guess I can quit calling him "him". Gage David will be his name. We both fell in love with the name Gage and David was Justin's dad's name, who passed away almost 16 years ago. So the middle name we hold very dear. So there you have it...we can't wait for Gage's arrival. Ethan asks almost on a daily basis if Gage is ready to come out. Not quite, sweetheart...not quite. Which is a good thing. But we all anxiously await his arrival in early January!

Saying goodbye

I knew today would be a hard day for me. It's honestly a little strange to think that today, I would have been having a baby. Today was the due date for the baby we lost back in December. I think it's probably not as hard since I'm now 4 months pregnant but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that baby. I know it's the tiniest of little angels up in Heaven and  that makes me feel a little more at peace. This blog isn't long, but it's just a goodbye I needed to say today.